Letting going go

...Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2b)


Last October 04, 2015 I heard a preaching about the Nations.  The preacher said, "God's masterplan for us is to go to the nations."  I suddenly have that desire to go. I remember applying for Kyrgyzstan last 2014 but didn't make it. I thought maybe this time, is the time.

The church will go to Thailand and then ..

I remember I wrote that I think I will go to a country that starts with letter "T".
I would see people wearing Thailand shirts.
I would buy stuffs and read "Made in Thailand".
I would read "100 years from now and notice the really small percentage of believers in Thailand.
I would pray and receive this Word:


Matthew 8:11 New Living Translation (NLT)

11 And I tell you this, that many Gentiles will come from all over the world—from east and west—and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob at the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I gradually fell in love with this nation.

The journey started like that and last January, I got to know those people who have the heart for missions too.  We meet each other once a month to hear a Word, to pray and to eat. Hehe. It's the 7th time yesterday.

The 7th and my last.

This morning is  the morning after the day it dawned to me that I can't attend the TDMS (Ten days Missions Support) training anymore and thus, I'll not make it to Thailand this year. The reason? The number of missioners became so limited and I simply didn't make it to the Top Ten.

And like, wow. It's my second rejection.

 I have a lot of brokenhearted/ letting go/  moving on feels. (e.g. "Tuloy Pa Rin in the background")  This really caught me off-guard and it's just by grace that I could still manage to smile and pray for them after realizing this.

I was so ready to resign and not to receive my 13th month pay, I watched Thai movies and kept it on my phone so that I can talk about it  to a young Thai student, I asked my brother to download a tutorial for me how to speak Thai and all.  Almost everything's plannned out but then, His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than  my thoughts. Yes, His plan will prevail and I know it's just way better than mine.

Kaya pala He's telling me earlier that morning that His will is good, pleasing and  perfect... to trust in His kindness etc. Now I'm holding on to those words.

Why do I even want to go to the nations anyway?

It's for Him right?

And if He doesn't want me to, why would I feel bad about it?

It's like organizing an activity for someone. You want to do it with him for him to be happy. But then you realize he doesn't want it pala. Ikaw lang naman may gusto siguro. So why feel bad? IT'S FOR HIM ANYWAY.

So what now? How to move on? hahaha!

.do my best in what I'm doing now
.lead the VGs well
.do one to one with the girls (yeah I think it's really a season of harvest!)
.attend the Singles' getaway
.stay in the office
.go back to Korea? Yay!
.receive my 13th month
.delete the thai movie on my phone
.support the missioners in Thailand by praying and sending them
.be faithful in serving okay?!
.start a ministry in the local church
.try and try until it's His time

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.


Letting going go for now,

Ycah


P.S.

Eventually, it'll be:

To the nations,

Ycah

Every Company (VG in the workplace)

When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn’t use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God’s secret plan.

For I decided that while I was with you I would forget everything except Jesus Christ, the one who was crucified. 

 I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling.  

And my message and my preaching were very plain. 

Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. 
                                                                                                         (1 Corinthians 2:1-4 NLT) 



Take a look at my last post. You'll notice that  I was over the moon back then when I had  a glimpse of having  group in the workplace , when I saw an open door, when I saw how God amazingly do it.

Before, I was just designing my "invitation card" like this:

And Ta- daaaa! It's really happening now!

                   After hearing the Good News!

I was praying and asking Daddy (God) last week  what I should share to our group in the workplace. And I am reminded of the most important message of all - The Gospel. I believe that it's the beginning and the foundation of this journey called Christianity.

I could just really feel the Holy Spirit moving through me and speaking through me at that time. It was such a powerful and amazing moment. It's so nakakakilig that I even bursted out in Facebook, "Yung season na mas nakakakilig na yung purpose and calling mo kaysa sa crush mo".

We started at the first Wednesday of May and it continued.
We met at Mcdonalds then in a food gallery. That's where I had a privilege to share the Gospel to the girls.Really praying  and now, I'm declaring that this wonderful seed in their heart will continue to grow.

Indeed, the joy of discipleship is one of my favorite feelings and moments. I think I'll do this for a lifetime!

Korean Ice cream after shift. Aww I miss Minerva/ Jhie!

Having a Victory Group in the workplace is a dream come true  for me and an obeyed command from Daddy God (He asked me to for more clearly last August 2015 and it's what, May 2016?). As His witness we just can't help but share what we saw and experienced. It's not easy but  it's worth it.

Here are some advice for those who have a heart to reach our their offices too  :

♥  Pray and Fast. Hear from God. Really seek His will for you, for them and for the group.
Really cry out to Daddy. More than you, He's the one who  really wants to reach out your officemates and friends!

♥  Try to have a spiritual sister or brother to co-lead the group with you, pray with you etc. It's really amazing how God let me know Heidi. She is my co-teacher who  also have the heart to reach out to our co-teachers! Prior meeting Heidi, Daddy  also let me know Ate Angelica. She really encouraged me to have a group in the workplace!

♥   Be ready. Set the time, place and duration. An opportunity to invite will come and you'll just know it's God who moved! Suddenly, you'll just be surprised that  your influence increased and people will just come and talk to you. But then, have faith with  action. Be engaging, be the one to talk to them too. Initiate. Be intentional. And don't forget! Discipleship is  a relationship.

♥   Believe in this. One of the primary way to make disciples is really a small group because here we don't feel alone with our faith. We can share our lives to others. We don't have to fight alone. We are encouraged also with the prayers, faith and praise reports of others. Believe that it can be used by God to share the most imporatant message of all --- that is the Gospel  and grow a disciple!


Actually, I'm also noting this to myself! I'm not an expert in this  and I know only  God made and can make things happen!

I declare that our VGs will help of officemates  to have spiritual growth and  a  deeper relationship with Christ!

Every company. Every Offices for Jesus! :)

Over the Moon

Over the moon.  It means extremely pleased and happy. 

But before that, it was actually an epic fail.

I decided to fast for a Victory Group / Bible group in our workplace last Tuesday- Thursday.

1st Day - I decided to eat fruits and vegetables only.  What happened was I got sick (not because I didn't eat rice or meat but maybe because of the really hot weather), I got a cold and slight fever so it was very uncomfortable. I still manage though. Thanks Dad!

Second day - here's when I fail. I vow to eat one meal only since it's my friend's birthday and we'll celebrate it  at night. But then while we're wasting our time in the grocery, there was a free taste of sausages. And guess what happened? Oh my instinct! I grabbed one right away! Not just once but twice. huhuhu. I even ate vegetables and salad! Wow, YCAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? So this is your kind of fasting huh? huuhuhuhuhuu. So there. And then feasting of Thai and Vietnamese food.
This is a confession guys. I'm so sorry.

Third day - I vow not to eat rice and meat again.  I ate an egg in the mroning and on the way home, I hastily bought a bread (Pandesal). Then I ate salad again for dinner and cake too! Talaga pinanindigan ko ang NO rice, No meat, pero nag cake? ay bongga.

Wala na . I will not depend on my performance anymore. I'm going to trust in Him who sees my heart. Whatever He decides, I know that's what best for me.

You know what happened? The next day. I was actually able to invite a new Teacher (Teacher Olga) in a Victory Group / Bible group after our shift! Not just that! I even prayed for her and listened to her story. She will also invite her friends!

Before, it was just a command, a desire.. and now I know it'll happen soon. 

I am indeed over the moon. WAAAHHH!!

"See you again Inang"

         While I was riding a bus going to Bulacan after I was informed that my great grandmother passed away, a eulogy for Inang was forming in my head.  I was not yet sure at that time if we'll have something like that or if it's ever possible for me to be the one to speak. Can you imagine that I'm actually writing it on a bus? That's my form of grieving I guess. I don't know.

         Honestly, the feeling was really strange. I remember before that, I was in such a happy event with my Kids church family. It's our general assembly.  I was laughing with Daisy and all, ready to play in the games. But then, I read the text message. I immediately want to go home and be with my family. I know  I need to be with Tita and Nanay Lydia  right away and hug them. The thought that I'll not be with Inang anymore is not yet hitting me that hard I guess.  It' s like it's hard to breath somehow but manageable.  I'll  make it without a tear. I guess. I guess. Inhale. Exhale.  It was effortless at first because of the comforting thought that I shared the Gospel with her  and with  faith, I believe  that she is with Jesus in our home --- heaven.

       When I arrived at our earthly home, I was the unusually/usually  pretty cheerful me I guess. Wanting to comfort my family, I encouraged them and I prayed with Tita. It's the first time in a long time that Inang is not at home when I arrive. It's the first time that I stopped myself from shouting/ calling  "INANG!!!! INANG!!!" though I really want to at that time!  It's an answered prayer that Inang's body is not yet there because I don't know if makakaya ko na ganun ang madatnan sa min.


        Time passed and her body came, now in a coffin. It was again a blurr for me. Focusing on being there for my Tita and Nanay Lydia. I hold their hands while watching them place her there in our living room. My 4 year -old cousin sat with us and I said "Hold hands? hold hands?" I asked him to hold Tita's hands as her tears fall. Death, endings and good byes are really painful isn't it?


         I find it hard to look at her because I don't really look at dead person's face/body. But then I still manage to do so because she's  Inang. It's sad that she doesn't look like herself there. They (the make-up artist) changed her trademark "pangong ilong" and made it into a little  pointed one which is so. not. Inang. hehe.

          But kidding aside, I was unconsiously thinking..where is my Inang? Where did she go? What's gonna happen now that she's gone? All my life she's been there and ... yeah then I'll remember. Yeah then I'll declare.. SHE IS WITH JESUS NOW! And we'll be fine only because God will continue to sustain us.


          The next day my VFs (Victory friends -- Arl, Ana and Gabby) came. I was okay. I managed not to cry or bawl. But I was extremely grateful for them to be there with me in this season. Still, I'm
 asking myself,  am I just trying hard?, am I not being myself, or is it my security in Him? All I can say is that it's only PURE GRACE. He became my strength at that time.  I can't without Him.

The morning of the burial day came.  My brother called me early in the morning to tell me that I'm gonna speak in front later to say the " Pasasalamat" (pretty much like a eulogy.)

Honestly, I was SO excited (with the idea of sharing the Gospel in my whole angkan)! Who wouldn't? I hastily called Jenny and Ana to cover me with their prayers. I polished/ re-write the draft of my Eulogy soon after that.

On the way to Inang's house, I said to my Uncle that I'm gonna be the one to speak later and I 'm pretty nervous.He suddenly told me,  "Akala ko si Kuya Michael mo? Si Kuya michael mo na lang daw ata ah?" I was saddened. Grabe wala lang ba ang pagka excited ko? I prayed,  "Dad, I know You want me to speak. If it's Your will for me to speak later,I know You'll make it happen."

Then Tita told me upon arriving, "Si Kuya Michael mo na lang. I- inglisin mo lang yun. Hindi ka maiintindihan ng mga tao."  Then I told her "Tatagalugin ko promise!!!" (but actually that's my struggle earlier while preparing hehe. Paano ko ba tatagulin 'to? hahah I think Tita really knows me.)

 Then, I told my brother na hindi na ako ang magsasalita. I was so surprised how he reacted. hihi. Surprised how he supported me saying, "mamaya, ibibigay ko sa'yo yung mic habang nilalabas si Inang. Dun ka na lang magsalita. " It's overwhelming talaga. So blessed to have a brother like him. As in.

Sitting there beside Baby Stephen, I was just staring at my prepared speech. Then Kuya Michael suddenly told me " May, tayong dalawa na lang magsalita mamaya. Mauna ka na." I just nod and I'm speechless. In my mind, I'm shouting " Dad, You nailed it again! You made it happen! Whoa, I'm really gonna speak later!!!" Inhale. Exhale.

So there, I started to become really nervous now knowing that something big is gonna happen.
I prayed hard , tried to practice..whew this is it Lord!

1PM came. We attended the mass and then the time has come...

Standing there in front of a lot of people. I started with a greeting "Good afternoon po sa inyong lahat, ako po si May, isa sa mga apo sa tuhod ni Inang Iling..."  (while I was speaking there were some feedbacks, I was just looking at my brother and  I saw him instructing me to hold the microphone. Still, my supportive brother right? I'm so so grateful!)

Then  I remember, I continue by reading my note about Inang, followed by other's might be memories of her, then how I can say "see you again" rather than good bye (wait did I say this?). The confidence that I have is only on what Jesus did and said.  I prepared several verses but I only manage to proclaim John 3:16!!!

After that I was disturbed because I felt like I didn't do well. That I didn't gave justice to the Gospel na baka walang impact etc. But then what's so amazing about Daddy? It's His comforting words:

Sa Matthew 4:16 New Living Translation (NLT), sabi nya:

16 the people who sat in darkness
    have seen a great light.
And for those who lived in the land where death casts its shadow,
    a light has shined.”[a]


 I read that while I was in the bus going back to Manila.  Amazing di ba? When there's storm inside me, He really knows hows to calm it. And yes, I claim this. A light has shined in my family. :)


Anyway, here are some letters for Inang  na sinulat ko days after..


Inang

miss na kita nuon pa man pero lalo na ngayon
It's hard. Hindi ko na ma imagine.  sobrang naging precious bigla ng mga araw na magkasama tayong dalawa. Yung super trio natin ni Tita, paano na?

Sa tricycle..
Habang kumakain..
Yung pag galaw galaw ng paa mo...
pagnaghahanda tayo
pagnagluluto
tuwing titikman mo ang niluto ko
yung nagpapa piga ako ng muscles mo hihi..

Alam ko gusto mo talaga ng baby sa bahay. Exciting siguro na makita mong hinahalikan si Baby Stephen. Alam ko din na masaya ka para kay tita.


Inang

one week na since wala ka na or ang body mo sa bahay. Ang weird talaga. Nung umuwi ako one time sinabi ko kila nana Iling po. Grabe wala ka na nga pagdating ko..

I really wonder kung anong ginagawa mo dyan in Heaven, I smile when I think na nakakakain ka na ulit and I know walang MSG ang food dyan. Hug!!


See you again Inang. Enjoy Jesus there!


Love,

 Maaaayyyy! <3 nbsp="" p="">

My heart in the First VG of the year

Date written: 2nd week of January

So here we go! After the Prayer and Fasting last week, we finally meet for the first time this year! Here are some changes:

From Tuesdays evening to Monday afternoon.
We welcomed Heart back in our group!

My heart soars when I hear them speak  filled with joy of discipleship. Their first breakthroughs are open hearts and desire for more of God for the girls that they are praying for.  Feeling ko, may coaching group na talaga ako since I have these leaders with me in my group. How time flies and how God gave them a big heart for the lost. Disciple making disciples.  What-an-answered prayer!!

and then

My heart broke as one of my spiritual daughters asked about God saying No. Yung tipong sobrang in faith ka nang ibibigay sya sayo ni God and I di - deliver ka Nya but then, it didn't happen. You fail. He said No. And, doubts started to kick in and you just have that tendency not to believe fully again.

What can I say? He does answers No. No  daughter because it's simply not for you and He's got a better plan. We naturally think that our plans for ourselves  are the best but His is actually  better. It's really really painful when your and His plan didn't match. You just can't understand. Still, His thoughts are higher, His ways are better. We may not know the reason  at all (just like Job) why things happened or happening, but we are called to trust in Him. The revelation and the truth  that God is good is so powerful. What more is the truth that He is in control? A good God is in control. And if we love Him, we believe  all things work together for our good!  (Romans 8:28)


I love what my spiritual daughter Jahana said "If God is not changing your situation, maybe He is changing your heart." I was reminded of what I learned before na mas concern si God sa character-building natin than our comfort. He is molding us, testing us and the result is a greater faith and an irresistable heart before His eyes.

While writing this I was also listening to Pastor Joey's Dare to Believe week 2 preaching.  He talked about failure and I can't help but remmeber our discussion about God's NO:

Failure is not the opposite of success. (It is a main ingredient for success.)

Failure is not your enemy. It's your friend.

When you fail, it's  a moment to learn,  to grow...

Fall for seven times rise up eight. We all fall sometimes but the difference with us is  we stood up again.


Honestly while she's opening her heart about failing to become a CPA (though we really believed that she can make it), I was trying to recall a time when I, too, experience the same thing. I was surprised  that I can't remember such a time. Should I be happy or sad about that?

Maybe there were times like that ...

Like when I didn't send girls in Victory weekend last year.
Like when I failed to have a VG in COC.
Like when I failed to become a best  teacher last year.
Like when I failed to have VG in my workplace.
Like when I didn't have savings again at the end of the year.
Like when I didn't keep 6K from my 13th month pay for my braces.
Like when I 'm still thinking about him when I must not.
Like when I'm still not forgetting the former things.
Like when I'm still being assumera at times.
Like when we thought  Ana would go to Mongolia.

....but I chose to lift those things to Him and trust that He is in control NO MATTER WHAT.


After praying, two of the girls left since it's already getting late. I was left with my Hana.  She's consulting about feeling bad because of realizing how bad her character is or her thoughts are. It 's like she's only pretending things, pretending to be kind and all.

I was in awe when the Holy Spirit just allowed me to say things that I didn't know I know.

I told her that we're not naturally kind. We're such a self-centered creature actually. So when we feel like and thought like we should be the best, we should have all the favor, that's our natural old-self! When we're actually trying to be kind and all, it's not pretending, it's more on trying, more on obeying, more on BEING UNDER JESUS' LORDSHIP.

We can always choose between allowing ourselves to rule over us or Jesus. We can only be kind, we can only love our neighbor because He first loved us.