My December Sunset

I really loved staring at sunsets.
It's just that,  it means endings.
Who would want a great time to end?
Who loves to say goodbye to something beautiful?
Staring at sunsets is beautiful but going through it, I realized,  is utterly painful.

It was December 17 and I was in a hurry to go back to Manila. My grandmother was lying on her bed (she was in great pain for days and hours.  I could hear her cry in pain, scream in pain.It was too painful that we were consumed with fear and that it paralyzed us. ).  At that time though, she was still and I was able to sit beside her. I was eternally grateful that God allowed me to pray for her and also apologize for our limitations and  inability to help her.

December 21, I heard that she's in the hospital. I asked for prayers. I was asked by my friend somehow if ever I'm ready if she'll be gone. I nodded (am I?). I told my Mom na ako magbabantay ng Saturday night. I thought it'll be just like the other times that we'll be with her in a hospital . That we'll eventually go home with her feeling better and we'll be able to celebrate Christmas together.  That we'll still be able to cook and eat her cravings ( "Sinigang na Hipon" and "Inihaw na Hito" ). I'm hopeful.

December 22, it was generally a fun day. We got our 13th month. We ate Korean Food. I was picked in a raffle and got Php 300 worth of Robinsons GC. I went to Daiso, bought gifts for my cousin Jhared, a mini photo album  and I was so elated to see a springform pan for less than  PHP 300 (makakagawa na ko ng Cheesecake!!)  I also saw Anne Voskamp book in Booksale for only Php150!!! I was so happy!!! I'll go home happpppyyyyy!!!

I went online to ask for prayers again. It was around 6PM. Right after posting my status though, I read a message in our family's Group Chat stating that my Nanay Lydia's gone. I can't explain the feeling and there was a moment that I wish I'm just dreaming. It's so surreal. I can't feel my fingers, yet it was painful to move (I don't even know if I'm making sense ). The wind is painful again. Posted another status and deleted the previous one.

Went to my dorm. Nagpaload. Called my Mom and prayed with her. Called my Tita and prayed with her. I know they super need strength at the moment. Bought biscuits and coffee at Puregold. The wind is painful. I can't think straight. I even forgot to buy candies!

Went home and rode a bus. I can't believe that best bus ride and the worst could happen in the same week.  For the first time in 25 years, the woman who took care of us, the woman who's always been there for us  is not  anywhere on earth anymore.

December 25. It's our last Christmas with her earthly body.
December 26. I cooked her sinigang na hipon.
December 27. I thanked her for the last time here on earth.

Here's what I said for her Eulogy:


Nay Lydia, maganda ba ko?

Magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. ako po si May, isa sa mga apo ni Nanay Lydia. On behalf of our family, lubos po kaming nagpapasalamat sa inyong lahat na nakiramay sa amin. Salamat po sa pag-alala. Salamat po sa pagiging bahagi ng buhay ng aming Nanay Lydia. Salamat po sa inyong pagmamahal sa aming pamilya.

Lubos din po kaming nagpapasalamat sa mga taong naging instrumento ng Panginoon para maging blessing during this challenging journey.

Tita Francy, thank you po sa wisdom, sa pagtulong sa decisoion-making. Sa lahat-lahat po. We can never thank you enough.

Kuya Michael, for being really Nanay Lydia's "one call away" na apo. Thank you for always being there to help her lalong lalo na kapag kailangan na syang dalin sa hospital.

Tito Cesar, salamat po sa pagiging suporta kay Nanay. Salamat po sa sakripisyo nyo po all this time lalo na po nung dinadialysis si Nanay Lydia. We appreciate you so much po.

Dade, Tito Jay and Nanay Lucing, thank you so much po. Tumagal po tayo sa laban dahil po sa tulong ninyo.

We almost lost her last year. It was a miracle na nakadilat, nakangiti  at  nakalakad sya ulit!

Sa buong Tribo ni Inang Iling (yun po yung pangalan ng group chat naming pamilya), maraming maraming salamat.


Ehem..


Nay Lydia, maganda ba ko?

Ikaw naman po ang papasalamatan ko.

Salamat sa pag-sagot ng "oo" sa tanong ko na yan everytime. Mahal mo talaga ko.

Tingnan mo nasa stage ulit ako oh. Sinasamahan mo ko dito dati eh.Papasabitan mo ko ng ribbon para kapag sinabitan mo na ko ng medal,  may mag pipicture sa atin.

Thank you for being proud of me ever since nalaman ko na ang English ng "Baka" ay "Cow" until now na matutupad na yung pangarap mo para sa akin na maging Teacher. Thank you dahil isa ka sa mga taong naniniwala sa akin.

Thank you sa pagdidisiplina, sa pagpalo sa amin ni Mac kapag nag-aaway kami, tapos ikaw naman yung iiyak after because of your soft heart.

Thank you sa pagdala sa amin sa Jollibee kahit walang tayong pera.

Sa pag-aalaga, sa pagtuturo sa pamamalengke, for wanting only the best for us at sa pasensya. Sorry po sa mga pagkukulang namin.

For 25 years, ngayon lang kami uuwi ng wala ka. Mahirap, masakit.. pero kakayanin.

Kayayanin dahil  may pasko..

Dahil may pasko, may pag-asa
Dahil sa Dahilan ng Pasko na si Hesus, hindi pa ito yung ending
Dahil sa pasko, magkikita pa tayong muli


Jesus, thank You. Thank You sa buhay ni Nanay Lydia.
Thank You dahil Ikaw ang ngiti sa aming mga luha.
Thank You dahil Ikaw lamang ang aming tanging Tagapagligtas.

gaya nga ng sabi mo sa Efeso..

Sapagkat dahil sa kagandahang-loob ng Diyos kayo ay naligtas sa pamamagitan ng pananampalataya; at ang kaligtasang ito'y kaloob ng Diyos at hindi sa pamamagitan ng inyong sarili; hindi ito bunga ng inyong mga gawa kaya't walang dapat ipagmalaki ang sinuman.  (Efeso 2:8,9)

Nay Lydia, salamat dahil kay Jesus ka lamang nagtiwala at hindi sa iyong sarili.

Nay Lydia, wala nang sakit dyan. Wala nang uhaw (because you're with the Living Water). Wala nang kati.
I don't know if you can eat there pero I know-ma sasatisfy na ang mga cravings mo.

Pa hello na lang kami kay Inang dyan.

Nay Lydia. I love you. We love you.

I remember  nung last time I told you this. Ngumiti ka, tumawa tapos sabi mo "Kinder ka pa lang sinasabi mo na yan".

For the last time gaya ng lagi kong tinatanong, bago ako lumuwas...

Nay Lydia, maganda ba ko?

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December 27. Before they close her coffin, I saw her hand for the last time. Oh, the hand that touched me and the hand I hold. Daddy, how can I let go?

It was a week of fighting the tears. There were times that I lost when I'm alone and remembering our moments together. The hardest was when her lifeless earthly body arrived at home, when it was about to leave home, while I'm sharing the eulogy and whenever I see my Mom, Aunts and Uncle  cry! But I have to control it. I have to stand firm in the promise that I will see her again one day and that she's "safely home" now. He is really my only strength in my weakest moments. I feel like if I start crying with my all, I know it'll be really hard to stop and I might not be able to do anything.  Inhale, exhale. She is okay now. She is finally free from pain. Trust in His word.  She is with Jesus.


Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but He died for sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit. 1 Peter 3:18

"safely home"

That is why the Good News was preached to those who are now dead--so although they were destined to die like all people, they now live forever with God in the Spirit. 1 Peter 4:6

"they now live forever with God"

Thank You for the Gospel my Lord. Thank You for this wonderful power to save. Your Gospel is indeed peace.

surrendering and fixing my eyes on You

Yes, going through a sunset in utterly painful.
But then, I realized, we can't hate going through sunsets for it's needed for sunrise.
It could also mean a new beginning after all.
This new year is our sunrise. Our new beginning.
His glory will continue to shine in every season.

Still praising You for letting  me be with my Nanay Lydia all these years.