My heart is pounding at the mere thought of it. I would blush, I would smile, I would giggle, I would stare at the sky, I would sing and I would write.
When I had my first crush, I already thought that he’s got to be my first love.
As time goes by, someone just came along and became my new crush; suddenly I proclaim that my then crush is not my first love (but this second crush of mine!).
The cycle seem to continue until I reach the point when I had a friend (the kind of friend that you would care so much about your shared friendship) then reel so much on losing it for years. I thought again, ‘can he be my first love now, since it lasted and it endured? Can I even say its love? What is it anyway?
Just when I thought he’d to stay (on my mind and heart at least), at one nerve impulse and heart beat – I realized he’s not there anymore. The changes were clear enough for me not to notice, but how did it happen?
He who mean the world to me, he who always lingers on my thoughts (automatically), he who I mostly write about , he who in a process taught me a lot of things on consistency, friendship, writing, fandom, pinning (though mostly through absentia) and all, he who…
Ops,bigla na lang
Wala na? oh? oh? OHHH?! (Of course this didn’t happened overnight)
It’s best said here on this quote:
“It wasn’t that I forgot. But at a certain point of the memory of him stop accompanying me wherever I went. He stayed behind, the way a city stays behind as a train pulls out of the station. It’s there, somewhere behind you and you could go back and make sure of it. But why would you?” – The Reader
I’m not really expecting, planning or thinking about this (believe it or not). He who I thought is my real first love is slowly fading out.
Hard to believe; weird indeed.
So does the arrival of this, this weird love.
My heart is pounding at the mere thought of it. I would blush, I would smile, I would giggle, I would stare at the sky, I would sing and I would write and all.
He’s a friend.
He’s there with me when I’m crying because of my fear of not studying. He’s beside me, always. As a song puts it “You always stay”.
He pursued me.
He loved me beyond comparison.
He even…
died for me.
“Church? Yung mga nagpupunta lang dyan yung mga babaeng walang boyfriend! Tapos boyfriend nila si Jesus…”
If my lack on that kind of relationship is the reason why I’m feeling like this towards Him, I’m very much thankful then.
This is the best feeling. I am able to love Him because He’s the one who loved me ever since.
Before, I’m really afraid of saying “I love You” to God. I guess I never did, for I am not really sure or maybe because I feel ashamed. I still don’t know Him that much then. I met Him at Saturdays or Sundays at church, I even pray on Him every night before I sleep and cried on Him when I’m struggling. I thought that’s it, that it can’t be deeper than that, that there’s nothing more.
But I fell in love on Him, when I fully understand what He did for you and I – how he proposed his unconditional love on a cross. I know, I’m already indeed in love with this marvelous, wonderful, glorious God.
Most of us, being loved in return and being loved enough and more sums up all that we desire. God is telling your heart right now that if you really want a reciprocated love, you can come to Jesus and accept His proposal (on a cross). His love never fails. And all you want to do when you fully understood that He loved you so much to give the life of His own beloved son to us (undeserving sinners), is to serve Him and to share this love to others as well.
Finally, the search for my first and true love is over.
Though I am still preparing by faith to write another piece, having this line in the end:
“and next to Him…we love each other”.
#weird
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