While I was riding a bus going to Bulacan after I was informed that my great grandmother passed away, a eulogy for Inang was forming in my head. I was not yet sure at that time if we'll have something like that or if it's ever possible for me to be the one to speak. Can you imagine that I'm actually writing it on a bus? That's my form of grieving I guess. I don't know.
Honestly, the feeling was really strange. I remember before that, I was in such a happy event with my Kids church family. It's our general assembly. I was laughing with Daisy and all, ready to play in the games. But then, I read the text message. I immediately want to go home and be with my family. I know I need to be with Tita and Nanay Lydia right away and hug them. The thought that I'll not be with Inang anymore is not yet hitting me that hard I guess. It' s like it's hard to breath somehow but manageable. I'll make it without a tear. I guess. I guess. Inhale. Exhale. It was effortless at first because of the comforting thought that I shared the Gospel with her and with faith, I believe that she is with Jesus in our home --- heaven.
When I arrived at our earthly home, I was the unusually/usually pretty cheerful me I guess. Wanting to comfort my family, I encouraged them and I prayed with Tita. It's the first time in a long time that Inang is not at home when I arrive. It's the first time that I stopped myself from shouting/ calling "INANG!!!! INANG!!!" though I really want to at that time! It's an answered prayer that Inang's body is not yet there because I don't know if makakaya ko na ganun ang madatnan sa min.
Time passed and her body came, now in a coffin. It was again a blurr for me. Focusing on being there for my Tita and Nanay Lydia. I hold their hands while watching them place her there in our living room. My 4 year -old cousin sat with us and I said "Hold hands? hold hands?" I asked him to hold Tita's hands as her tears fall. Death, endings and good byes are really painful isn't it?
I find it hard to look at her because I don't really look at dead person's face/body. But then I still manage to do so because she's Inang. It's sad that she doesn't look like herself there. They (the make-up artist) changed her trademark "pangong ilong" and made it into a little pointed one which is so. not. Inang. hehe.
But kidding aside, I was unconsiously thinking..where is my Inang? Where did she go? What's gonna happen now that she's gone? All my life she's been there and ... yeah then I'll remember. Yeah then I'll declare.. SHE IS WITH JESUS NOW! And we'll be fine only because God will continue to sustain us.
The next day my VFs (Victory friends -- Arl, Ana and Gabby) came. I was okay. I managed not to cry or bawl. But I was extremely grateful for them to be there with me in this season. Still, I'm
asking myself, am I just trying hard?, am I not being myself, or is it my security in Him? All I can say is that it's only PURE GRACE. He became my strength at that time. I can't without Him.
The morning of the burial day came. My brother called me early in the morning to tell me that I'm gonna speak in front later to say the " Pasasalamat" (pretty much like a eulogy.)
Honestly, I was SO excited (with the idea of sharing the Gospel in my whole angkan)! Who wouldn't? I hastily called Jenny and Ana to cover me with their prayers. I polished/ re-write the draft of my Eulogy soon after that.
On the way to Inang's house, I said to my Uncle that I'm gonna be the one to speak later and I 'm pretty nervous.He suddenly told me, "Akala ko si Kuya Michael mo? Si Kuya michael mo na lang daw ata ah?" I was saddened. Grabe wala lang ba ang pagka excited ko? I prayed, "Dad, I know You want me to speak. If it's Your will for me to speak later,I know You'll make it happen."
Then Tita told me upon arriving, "Si Kuya Michael mo na lang. I- inglisin mo lang yun. Hindi ka maiintindihan ng mga tao." Then I told her "Tatagalugin ko promise!!!" (but actually that's my struggle earlier while preparing hehe. Paano ko ba tatagulin 'to? hahah I think Tita really knows me.)
Then, I told my brother na hindi na ako ang magsasalita. I was so surprised how he reacted. hihi. Surprised how he supported me saying, "mamaya, ibibigay ko sa'yo yung mic habang nilalabas si Inang. Dun ka na lang magsalita. " It's overwhelming talaga. So blessed to have a brother like him. As in.
Sitting there beside Baby Stephen, I was just staring at my prepared speech. Then Kuya Michael suddenly told me " May, tayong dalawa na lang magsalita mamaya. Mauna ka na." I just nod and I'm speechless. In my mind, I'm shouting " Dad, You nailed it again! You made it happen! Whoa, I'm really gonna speak later!!!" Inhale. Exhale.
So there, I started to become really nervous now knowing that something big is gonna happen.
I prayed hard , tried to practice..whew this is it Lord!
1PM came. We attended the mass and then the time has come...
Standing there in front of a lot of people. I started with a greeting "Good afternoon po sa inyong lahat, ako po si May, isa sa mga apo sa tuhod ni Inang Iling..." (while I was speaking there were some feedbacks, I was just looking at my brother and I saw him instructing me to hold the microphone. Still, my supportive brother right? I'm so so grateful!)
Then I remember, I continue by reading my note about Inang, followed by other's might be memories of her, then how I can say "see you again" rather than good bye (wait did I say this?). The confidence that I have is only on what Jesus did and said. I prepared several verses but I only manage to proclaim John 3:16!!!
After that I was disturbed because I felt like I didn't do well. That I didn't gave justice to the Gospel na baka walang impact etc. But then what's so amazing about Daddy? It's His comforting words:
Sa Matthew 4:16 New Living Translation (NLT), sabi nya:
16 the people who sat in darkness
have seen a great light.
And for those who lived in the land where death casts its shadow,
a light has shined.”[a]
I read that while I was in the bus going back to Manila. Amazing di ba? When there's storm inside me, He really knows hows to calm it. And yes, I claim this. A light has shined in my family. :)
Anyway, here are some letters for Inang na sinulat ko days after..
Inang
miss na kita nuon pa man pero lalo na ngayon
It's hard. Hindi ko na ma imagine. sobrang naging precious bigla ng mga araw na magkasama tayong dalawa. Yung super trio natin ni Tita, paano na?
Sa tricycle..
Habang kumakain..
Yung pag galaw galaw ng paa mo...
pagnaghahanda tayo
pagnagluluto
tuwing titikman mo ang niluto ko
yung nagpapa piga ako ng muscles mo hihi..
Alam ko gusto mo talaga ng baby sa bahay. Exciting siguro na makita mong hinahalikan si Baby Stephen. Alam ko din na masaya ka para kay tita.
Inang
one week na since wala ka na or ang body mo sa bahay. Ang weird talaga. Nung umuwi ako one time sinabi ko kila nana Iling po. Grabe wala ka na nga pagdating ko..
I really wonder kung anong ginagawa mo dyan in Heaven, I smile when I think na nakakakain ka na ulit and I know walang MSG ang food dyan. Hug!!
See you again Inang. Enjoy Jesus there!
Love,
Maaaayyyy! <3 nbsp="" p="">
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