"Lord, no matter what I'm going to choose, You are my Savior. My ONLY Savior."
It dawned on me that I have to choose between my two values - school and work.
For years, work has been one of THE priorities. I'm a young professional and this is my season. I was taught of excellence, prayed for excellence and by His grace ,excelled. Never wanted to be a burden to my co-workers and as much as possible, I would choose to submit to the authority that God placed in the workplace.
But then, school came. I'm not just a teacher now but a student as well. This is huge for me. I've got to do my best too. As a student, I've always been a GC (grade-conscious) one. Yes, self-professed GC. Excellence. Excellence. EXCELLENCE! For me, learning is VERY important!
March 1st. Two events. One choice.
The battle begins.
It's a training day in the office. This is a critical working day. I can't file a leave. I still tried and was busted. If I'll be absent, the whole section will be afffected. I was asked not to be selfish and inconsiderate. I will lose the trust of my supervisor and management. Worst, I could ruin my testimony in the office.
It's at the same time observation day for school. We will go to three different schools, observe and submit three papers out of that. I will have great time learning how teachers in the early grades teach and how the students response. It's going to be my first time if ever and I'm so thrilled. I can also imagine having a great time with my professor and classmates.
I asked if the observation day could still be moved but then, it's final.
The decision -making process is about to start. So, what did I do?
Prayed for direction. (That's the first in decison making. You want
to have His wisdom over these things.)
Read the Bible. I was lead to John 16. and these verses strucked me:
" Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. - John 16: 20-22
I perceived it as I have to give way to the new baby and as I do that, it'll be really painful. So my initial words to the Lord was, "Lord, do You want me to choose school? Please convince me. Please continue to lead me."
I also wrote my priorites at the moment and I ended up writing:
1. God
2. Family
3. School
4. Work
5. Ministry
With that.. mukhang school na talaga ang pipiliin ko. Deep inside, I know I want school, pero yung feeling, parang bibitayin or tatalon ako sa bangin in the coming days.
But still, I can't bring myself to be confident with my own ability to follow Him, I thought there's a possiblity that I was just being biased dahil nga school talaga ang desire ko. I asked advice from friends, students, family members and they all have valid arguments...
"Company is more important".
"Dream is better than now."
"The company is the one who gives you money to go to school."
"It's for your future. "
"Your work is your bread and butter."
"Teacher, you will REALLY learn a lot in school observation!!!!"
"You will be severely punished".
Inhale. Exhale. I continued praying for His lead.
Then, in one of the preachings, I was reminded of having a functional savior.
Functional savior is something or someone that gives you security, satisfaction, significance, success, meaning aside from Jesus Christ.
I questioned myself, Is my work my functional savior that's why I'm so afraid of ruining it? Is my grade my functional savior that's why I just can't let this observation go?
Will I lose my security, satisfaction, significance, success,or meaning when I lose them?
No. I still have Jesus.
"Lord, no matter what I'm going to choose, You are my Savior. My ONLY Savior."
Heard another preaching in a Sunday service and I was reminded of "considering others more important than yourself" . With that, mukhang work noh? I don't want to move out of selfishness!
Pero when I talked to my best friend, she voted for School though. Waaaaaahhh! Kalma. Kalma. He will lead me. I continued to declare.
Can you imagine ang pagiging unstable ng mind and heart ko at that time? Shocks. That's why He reminds me this Word time and time again:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Decision-making never been this hard! But at the end of the day, when you ready yourself to surrender yourself to His will, sasaluhin ka Nya talaga.
Kept on praying and crying out.
Monday came and I received an e-mail from my professor!
If can't make it on March 1st, I can just observe on March 3rd... pero one school lang.
It's like a ray of sunshine for me. I thought wow, I could actually experience observing kahit isang school lang. Thus, I prayed again as I apply for leave on March 3rd. If ma aapprove, it's His will na March 3rd, if not, at will Nya na mag observe ako ng March 1st on the three schools, hindi ma approve ang leave ko!
Guess what? My leave was miraculously approved (It was hard to have a leave kapag walang Perfect Attendance Incentive in my company)! You know what that means right?
I have..
to..
let..
go..
of the March 1st...observation.
Goodbye..CDC..goodbye PAUW..goodbye great time with classmates.. goodbye..
" Am really ready for this, Dad?"
March 1st. I chose to be in the Traning Day. I have peace but I'm still wondering about the observation and the things that I just let go, hehe.
8 AM thoughts: Oh, nasa CDC (Child Development Center) na sila..
9:30 AM: Ayan nasa PAUW (Philippine Association of University Women - UP Child Study center) na siguro.
12:30 PM: UPIS (University of the Philippines Integrated School) na sila nyan.
Is this the labor pain? Ang sakit talaga nya eh. Pero in the midst of pain, in the midst of what I'm going through, I'm in awe that He still used me. Did One 2 One with my dear friend and co-worker. Yes! Chapter 2 na kami! #Lordship
Eto na ba ang ending? Syempre hindi pa. Hang in there my friend!
I chatted my classmates and they were all saying how fun the school observation was. One even sent pictures and videos of what they observed (Hi Caren!Thank you!) . I was told also na.. ako lang.. ang wala...ako lang.. ako lang..
"Dad, did I just really let that go?" "Did that just really happened?"
Naiiyak pa din ako while writing about it.
I was honestly so sad and I know fear creep in and my mind was.. I don't know. Yes, I move, walk, talk , sometimes laugh. I know Sya lang talaga yung strength ko at that time, barely holding on to Him... I think He knows I was kinda crushed.
Kaya naman, as I attended the Thursday youth service the next day... taraaaannn! Ay grabe!! I love those times! Yung feeling mo yung buong service ay para sayo? Praise and worship pa lang kung makatulo na ang luha mo ay parang gripo na? hahaha.
Alam nyo ba yung topic sa LEGIT week 2? It's Jesus' question :
"Why are you so afraid?"
And it hit me. WHY AM I SO AFRAID? DO I STILL HAVE NO FAITH?
If you have fear right now my dear friend, allow me to write yung mga tumatak sa akin nung gabing yun:
"I am the LORD, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27
Storms in life are expected to come.
Hindi nagugulat si Jesus sa problema mo. It will not overwhelm Him.
In everything and anything, HE IS IN CONTROL.
When we don't understand the power of Jesus over the storm, we will end up fearing the storm.
Jesus can calm not just the storms around us, but also the storm inside us.
Fear cannot co-exist with FAITH.
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. (Psalm 56:3)
- hagulgol na ko dito ayyyy
You can go through that storm because Jesus is with you in that storm.
"Lord, no matter what, You are with me. "
For more messages that I heard, you can visit here: http://www.victoryubelt.org/podcasts/
I call myself "Princess in awe" because of the privilege of witnessing His might and power, His expertise in impossibilities and all .. like when I went to Korea or nung nakapasa ako sa UP and many more.
Pero hindi ko akalain na I'll be a "Princess in awe" as well in the midst of the storm , in the midst of whys, pains, tears, doubts.. SOBRANG in awe of His comfort, of Him being so mindful, of His encouragements and cheers. Amazing God talaga.
After the youth service, feeling ko, ang liit liit na lang talaga ng problema. As in! Yung future ko, yung buhay ko, sa Kanya nakasalalay. Jesus is for me and not against me. Knowing His power, I prayed..
"Dad, I know for me it's impossible, pero for You, possible, can I observe three schools tomorrow? *puppy and mugtong eyes"
Checked my e-mail when I went home and taraaaan!!!
Pumayag na din daw ang PAUW na mag observe ako! PAUW-UP and UPIS na ako! Pero no letting go of CDC pa rin, so kinabukasan..
I went to CDC kahit na wala pag confirmation and asked kung pwede mag observe... everything just went smoothly! Yes, pumayag sila!
Yes, tatlong school yung na observe ko on that day. Yes, it was fun and yes, I learned.
Letting go of the observation was unthinkable for me. He knows that. He knows me too well.
But then He actually helped me in letting go of the thing na alam Nyang hindi ko kayang i let go to lead me and to save me from pag talon sa bangin, I mean from reprimand sa office. Hahaha.
He is indeed our ONLY Savior.
If you're praying for direction my dear, I declare that HE will lead you to His will NO MATTER WHAT.
Galing ni Lord noh?
May this encourage you. :)
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